Without You, I’m not Me July 9, 2009Posted by johnbohlinger in Dealing with Grief after Losing your child..
Without you, I’m just not me
When Mark Twain lost his daughter, he went from being the life of the party to a bitter curmudgeon of a man. His wonderful sense of humor became cutting sarcasm and harsh judgement. Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin, both born the same day, same year (5th of feb,1812. I think) both lost a child. Abe, once known to laugh and joke grew morose for the rest of his days. I don’t know about Charles, though from all accounts he spent the rest of his life shutting out the outside world and focussing on his scientific work.
I am not the happy guy I was and I hate it. When I am happy, there is a part of me that feels that it’s wrong, like I should be perpetually grieving. When I am depressed I feel like a burden to the world: sad to be happy, happy to be sad.
I liked the old me; I miss being that person and the people in my life miss the old me as well. I never liked being around negative people and never imagined I could become one. When I have to be around people I psych myself up saying, “OK, don’t be a downer, you are going to be fun, funny, charming. You will laugh and joke and avoid the dark side, dammit.” This is exhausting; I tend to pace myself, avoiding unnecessary get-togethers. Usually, I am in and out like Batman; I show up at work or an event, pretend to be the person I was then race home to solitude and sometimes depression.
Do you ever feel like yourself again after losing your child?