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Temporary April 15, 2010

Posted by johnbohlinger in Dealing with Grief after Losing your child., Death of your child, Grieving Parents.
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Coming up on the third death-iversary;  back to uncontrollable crying,  waking up waaaay too early with dark thoughts chasing me out of bed.   Feel depression ( which I thought I beat), creeping back in, messing with my marriage, which makes me feel worse.  I’m slacking at work, letting people down, which again,  adds to the whole destructive, self-indulgent funk.
This morning I tried to focus on all that went right with my son, rather than the horrific end.   The time he made that high-pressure free-throw in a 6th grade basket ball game,  or caught that fly ball in little league,  or conquered his shyness by giving his speech in 4th grade,  or the many times he beat me at Backgammon, Pente,  Scrabble, Uno.  All those times I stood on sharp pins and needles praying to God “please let this go right for August”… and it did.  All of these tiny, yet enormous magic moments.  Maybe that’s what life is;  a series of ephemeral moments where we feel so alive,  stumping on this tight-rope, teetering between unknown outcomes.   It’s all fleeting, but indescribably beautiful.  Try to remember that depression is fleeting as well;  when you’re through it there’s a lifetime of brief, beautiful moments waiting to surprise you.

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1. Lena - April 15, 2010

Yes it seems to be that roller coaster. Just when you feel that you can weather the storm and stand up to those ugly demons of hopelessness and despair then a rogue wave comes at you and you are thrown up against the rocks trying to fight those waves. Uncontrollable crying got me today and I was walking on a very pretty beach on the Olympic Peninsula where we have come to honor Maija-Liisa’s 21st birthday which would have been today. How does one do that? Celebrate an occasion which should be the utmost at the prime of life? I still have to go pick up some balloons and fill them with helium and hope that somehow she can see them floating up to her in the heavens.

John if you can bravely look at all those moments of beauty and wonder that you had with August then I do admire that. I can only take little fleeting glimpses now and again or I am frozen in fear. Somehow I am still trying desperately to either pretend it did not happen or reverting to thinking I can still change it. But really it is only the moment(s) that we have at any given time.

Knowing that you are surviving and still being honest with yourself keeps others going too. Facing your demons is the only way to beat them down or maybe just work with them for a brighter and better life. Trying to understand why our children only got to live for such a short time and we only had them for so long is a convoluted pain like no other. Managing it takes a lot of work and effort and we may not always be up for the task. I feel for you so much. Keep on keepin on.

2. elvira - April 19, 2010

Sorry for your tremendous pain, John. Wish you were peaceful minded, quiet, “stille” night.

3. Estrella - April 27, 2010

Dear John, anniversaries bring out the best and worst. I have read your two last posts and was too depressed myself to try to console you. The reverse happens quite often too. Children lose their parents. One of my best friends has lost an almost ten year batle with cancer which she handled in an exemplary way. She decided to live life to the maximum and left an example and a wonderful memory for her two kids. I am sure it was not easy for her. But she did it. I admired her because of that and I hope I can follow her example when the time comes. You can read her sister’s words about her on my blog. You would have liked her a lot.
Take care of yourself, and get back on the right track!
Love, Estrella

4. Kelly - April 30, 2010

December 9th 2009 was the third anniversary of my daughter’s death. She would have been 17 in February. I’m finding that the days leading up to whatever “anniversary” is coming are worse than the actual day itself. Mother’s Day is coming and I feel that dreadfulness creeping in. The best thing to do is allow yourself to give in for a specific amount of time, cry, scream, yell, try and get out as much as possible, and then do something really nice for yourself. Nuture that fresh wound. Get a massage, go walk on the beach, get an ice cream, anything to congratulate yourself for hanging in there and being the strong, amazing and wonderful survivor that you are.

5. rushchick - May 6, 2010

Like Kelly said….I am finding the days leading up to whatever anniversary is worse for me….like Sunday, Mother’s Day, this week I have been a complete wreck. Finding old handmade cards with her little hand prints, just brings me to my knees and I almost forget how to breathe….Then I get those moments where I just get so angry I end up throwing something across the room, just can’t believe she is gone. Her 3 year anniversary was in Feb, but her birthday is coming up in August, she was 10 when she died, she would be 14 and starting highschool…..just all these milestones are a lil much for me…..Granted I do have my good days, I have been staying outside a lot and that seems to help, staying inside is just to depressing for me….Just trying to focus on the good times with her and not how she died, but that is just to painfully hard right now, and insomnia has kicked in full force :[ Many hugs to you John…

6. Andrea MacLeod - May 11, 2010

please join guest Jennifer Steinman on Womensvillle Radio talking about her latest movie ‘motherland’. Jennifer took 6 mothers who had one thing in common, a death of a child. Come listen to their healing experience while volunteering in Africa amongst children who are grieving the loss of their parents.

7. Merry Rosenfield - August 27, 2010

Sometimes getting up in the morning to face the loss was monumental…It has been 9 years now and I have written a book about our daughter’s death at age 20. Life is once again full of joy, and new children have appeared to grace our existence. (grandchildren)For all grieving parents, keeping a journal,which my husband and I did for 2 years after she died,and writing a memoir helped the healing.

8. Holli - November 7, 2010

Thanks for sharing – we can only hope by putting our grief ‘out there’ it helps dissipate the crushing presence in our hearts.

I lost my son at age 6, five years ago and it remains the unexplainable void that I know will never be filled.

I also post about the feelings of loss and the coping we all try… please also visit my Ramblings. Love to share…

9. Grieving Parent - April 27, 2011

Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my son a little over 2 years.

johnbohlinger - April 27, 2011

God bless you and your family Vicki

10. Kieron Riley - October 29, 2015

Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this.


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