Temporary April 15, 2010Posted by johnbohlinger in Dealing with Grief after Losing your child., Death of your child, Grieving Parents.
Coming up on the third death-iversary; back to uncontrollable crying, waking up waaaay too early with dark thoughts chasing me out of bed. Feel depression ( which I thought I beat), creeping back in, messing with my marriage, which makes me feel worse. I’m slacking at work, letting people down, which again, adds to the whole destructive, self-indulgent funk.
This morning I tried to focus on all that went right with my son, rather than the horrific end. The time he made that high-pressure free-throw in a 6th grade basket ball game, or caught that fly ball in little league, or conquered his shyness by giving his speech in 4th grade, or the many times he beat me at Backgammon, Pente, Scrabble, Uno. All those times I stood on sharp pins and needles praying to God “please let this go right for August”… and it did. All of these tiny, yet enormous magic moments. Maybe that’s what life is; a series of ephemeral moments where we feel so alive, stumping on this tight-rope, teetering between unknown outcomes. It’s all fleeting, but indescribably beautiful. Try to remember that depression is fleeting as well; when you’re through it there’s a lifetime of brief, beautiful moments waiting to surprise you.