When You Lose Your Child…
Strange is life…I just wrote to my sister telling her that I feel as if though I am sleepwalking through this life. I am very alert but at the same time in a world I do not recognize. Everything appears the same but is radically and forever changed. This is what I wrote on this day that would have been your precious August’s birthday and strangely was the day of my precious daughter’s death. How is life to be understood, assimilated, processed, given value to, rejoiced with such pain? My sister who I rarely give my pain to, trying to protect her from who I really have become. John your thoughts are my thoughts are your thoughts and yet are lives are different. The impermanence of life say the buddhists is how we should understand life. I am in an altered state. One where I do not live but only exist.
John hang on…maybe the winds will change and we will find our wings to fly over and above the dismal existence we try to contend with daily. I am in a beautiful place today called Naramata so am feeling ok. But I will never have joy. Is it too much to expect? I will try to connect with her spirit. It is all I can do.
Take care…. xo
I have been in this realm for going on 8 months now. My son took his own life at the age of 21. I don’t ever see a chance at happiness again. I feel like my heart died with my son. I have no desire to do or feel anything. Thinking of suicide on a daily bases now myself. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is my other children and husband. I know without a doubt that I love them but I’m having a hard time feeling it because my heart feels like it’s gone. This makes things even worse for me. I can’t understand why my love for them isn’t felt inside me like it use to be. That’s also scary because my love and concern for them is what’s keeping me here. I actually feel like I have to suffer so they will be ok. I can’t figure this all out and I’m so tired 😦
Grace, I’m sorry for you loss. God bless you and your family. It sounds like depression has a hold on you; everybody in the terrible club of ours fights it every day. It can get better. Now my battles with depression are less frequent and don’t last nearly as long. I’ll have a terrible thought and I have to push it out of my mind, and it can happen in the middle of a happy day. These bouts use to last for months. Try to be good to yourself, get sleep, work out, walk out side during good weather, watch funny movies; all of these things, not matter how stupid they seem, will help.
God bless you Grace
Bad , Bad week for me…..I just don’t understand. Oldest daughter went to homecoming, Lizzy should have been tagging along with her since she would have been in high school now. I know a trigger. Was doing ok, but then this. I just want to be alone when I feel this way….like you John, the depression episodes are less frequent, but it is when major milestones hit that I take that one step forward, one step back motion. Hope you are well John.
Those emotional triggers can really send you off in an emotional tail spin. I don’t think we ever will be free from those. But it does get a little better bit by bit, two steps forward, one back. Be extra good to yourself, give yourself some time. God bless you.
Levin Royce Nick is his name. He was 19 years old when he died 11-4-11. Levin is so beautiful, blonde hair, eyes, muscular, built, always
had a nice tan, straight white teeth, and lite up this whole world, especially mine, he loved so deep, he always wanted to make sure
everybody around him was happy, he always smiled, he was my son. MY WORLD.
I want my Baby Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY???????
Levin sounds like the perfect son. How wonderful that you both loved each other so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. God bless you and your family.
Thank You for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss. It is a parade no one wants a ride or to walk in. I went to Levin’s Grave last weekend, I placed two Hand & Heart made Christmas Wreaths and a Christmas Cross at the head of my Baby’s Grave, red is the only color in that black and white place, I used ornaments off our family tree, ornaments from the past, a past with color. His train is sitting on the fireplace hearth right now. It is gray today. Gray is so infinite, it echos loss. I don’t know where Levin is, everything is my fault, it has been two years since death snuck in my son’s bedroom and took him from me, it feels like today, or tomorrow, if only it were tomorrow, then I could stop it. Levin’s essence is here, I can feel it in me, his Baby Sister, his Big Sister, his Nieces, our Love for Levin is a part of Levin, our Love for Levin is alive, Living, here and now, our love for Levin is so great, why can’t it move mountains. Levin, Levin, Levin nothing makes sense, no perspective, no putting this in a box and tying a bow around it.
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