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Necessity of balance. October 31, 2015

Posted by johnbohlinger in Uncategorized.
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My son’s mother just found one of his old notebooks…(My son was always journaling or sketching something in notebooks that he kept with him most of the time)   A wrinkled yellow legal page fell out. On it August had written:

Art is an individual’s vehicle for personal expression of feelings, questions, ideas.
It is an extension of one’s self reflecting some aspect of the artist’s internal make up.
‘Harold and Maude’ expresses it’s creator’s struggle and ultimate acceptance of the inevitability and necessity of life and death and the delicate, yet unwavering balance of the two.
-August C. Bohlinger

Although my son has been gone for nine years, we keep receiving little messages from him.  Perhaps this one arrived now rather than years ago because I would have been unable to understand it while I was deep in grief and depression.  He was right,  death is a necessary part of the balance of life.  It’s late October as I write this;  green grass is grey,  my garden is dead, just cold dirt and papery, colorless stalks.  We don’t question  the life/death balance when we see it in other living things, but we hope that the rules won’t apply to us, but they do.  When you can let go and accept that, you will feel better, though at first it may feel like a betrayal to your loved one who is gone.  It’s a struggle, but when you accept it, you’re free to see the beauty in what was, is , and will be.

Life goes on

Comments»

1. LA Collins - November 5, 2015

Hi John;
Your son wrote eloquently. A wise young man. This post reminds me of the simple rules of life. All that live must inevitably die too. This is what helps me get through my days after losing my son and I needed to be reminded of this message at this time as November 17th is Shawn’s birthday and I am having a hard time focusing on living my life without dwelling on my loss atm. Whenever I found myself asking questions such as “Why him? Why me? Why couldn’t it be different?”, especially when I first lost my son, I would drive myself insane because there was never a sufficient answer. But when I thought with my scientist brain; that all things living must die, as a hard and fast rule, it helped me realize that there was no answer to “WHY?” that would help me. “WHY?” it is simple. Because all things living must die. That is why. It is easier for us to understand that when looking at other living creatures. But, you are right John, when that same rule is applied to our loved ones, we cannot accept it. We search for other answers to ease the heartache. To enable me to move forward in my life each day; to accept that I may at times feel joy; to understand that it is okay to not have Shawn in the forefront of all that I do every single day; to realize that I am not a horrible mother to have learned to think of other things than Shawn upon falling asleep each night and upon waking with each new day; I must first accept that I am living and that Shawn is not. It is that simple. I must live. It is not necessary for me to dwell on the hurt, the pain, the anguish, the horrible loss of a life far too young. I must allow myself to live a full life. I must not feel guilt because I feel joy. I must accept that with all life comes death. That’s all. No grand plan. All living creatures die. Some die after a mere moment, and some after many years.
Thank you John; for reminding me of this. I was having a really hard time the last couple days. My son would have been 27 on November 17th. It has been just over 3 years now. He died at 23. His 24th birthday was so awful for us all. I can still feel that pain now if I let myself. I try not to do that though. As I write, the pain is deep; I can feel it in my chest. But today, once I hit “post” I must continue to “LIVE” my life. I have important things to do. They are not more important than Shawn. But they are my here and now. These things I am doing are what keep me alive. I chose to live. I don’t want to just do time, to feel that horrific indescribable grief. To sit day after day being a mourning mother. Believe me, I still mourn each and every day but I also choose to live my life; simply because I am alive today. I must accept that Shawn is no longer alive.I must accept that I deserve to feel happiness and joy. These feelings still do not come easily for me. They are still merely fleeting moments that remind me of the possibilities.
So…..to you, my beautiful son, Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you with all my heart. I always, always will. I would give anything to have you here with me but that is not a possibility. My birthday gift to you this year, my son, is to live my life as best I can. To experience all the things that you can no longer do. I will push forward. I will be brave. I will show your brother and sisters that they too must live. That they too should try to not feel guilty for focusing on the things they have in their here and now, and that it is okay to set aside what they have lost. I will show them that I can still love you with every cell in my body but can still keep living my life. Although I weep while I write this note, I know I will put this pain away again for yet another day and concentrate on the other important things in my life right now.
Again, thank you John, for the reminder. Today, I choose to live because today I am alive.

2. LA Collins - November 5, 2015

Reblogged this on A Dog's Breakfast.


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