Survival feels like Selfishness July 11, 2016Posted by johnbohlinger in Uncategorized.
My son has been gone a long time now. I’ve made peace with the loss; I still miss him horribly, it still hurts, but in the big picture, I’m fine.
That being said, depression leaves its dust all over you that you never really shake. It’s almost like going through Chemo, which kills the cancer but you suspect there’s little bits hiding inside your body ready to make their presence known before they kill you. I’m not afraid of death, poverty, the IRS, or even our current social unrest in the US, but I’m terrified of depression. That’s a ring of hell too horrible for Dante to dream up. So I fight depression every day, both in good ways, (exercise, yoga, sleep) and perhaps bad ways (too much marijuana, too much work).
I’ve been encountering some triggers lately that have had me dipping my toe into the depression pond, checking the temperature before I jump in to drown. I feel weak for feeling it, and winey for admitting it. I should man up, but instead I go dark. When it stays dark for a few days, I can’t find my way out of it.
Someone I love told me to: “snap out of depression”. That’s like saying snap out of diarrhea, or cancer. Our bodies don’t follow those commands. I can’t snap out of it, but I can try to avoid triggers that send me there.
In the interest of self-preservation, you have to pull back from toxic situations, and that’s going to feel like selfishness. Maybe survival is selfish, but maybe it’s worth it for the greater good. After my son died, living felt like going against nature, but that’s just one of the lies depression tells you. Life’s a beautiful gift, do what you can to enjoy every day. Be selfish if that keeps in you in game; then you can contribute to the greater good.